No. 1

I think the most defining event of my adult life so far is something that happened about 5 years ago. This is the event that obliterated my self confidence and made me feel completely vulnerable. And after 5 years of trying to rebuild what I lost, I still feel like I have very to little self confidence. At the beginning of this summer I told myself that I am now in this transitioning stage of my life where there would be a lot of uncertainties and that it would be a period of self discovery and growth. The end of summer is nearing and all I can say is that I feel beaten down, discouraged, and a little bit apathetic. And sometimes when I feel down, I always revisit that little incident 5 years ago and think what could have been. Changing the way you think is a lot harder to do when you've spent most of your life thinking the opposite. The one thing I really wanted to change about myself was my optimism (or lack thereof), and making sure that I lived my life to the fullest. I think one of my biggest problems (yes, I have so many) is that I lack drive and ambition. Every time something seems too hard or scary, I recoil and go back to my comfort zone. I'm too scared to move forward, to move into the uncertainty because what if I lose myself again? It's far too big a risk. I realize that I'm caught in this vicious cycle that I've created for myself. I hope that with this blog I'll be able to encourage myself to not be so afraid anymore.