BULLET-INS ONE

I don't know why it's so hard for me to keep a blog. I used to find so much comfort in being able to express however I felt on my blog. It was my catharsis after a really bad day, or just a way for me to be able to relive and document happy events.  But now, it's hard for me to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). My thoughts are no longer organized, they're scattered everywhere. Whenever I think of a topic I want to write about, it leads to nowhere and ends with something along the lines of "I guess I'll change." Maybe because I now mostly write about things that bother me and I feel that I need to have some sort of resolution so I don't sound like some whiny brat. I think for now I'll stick to my bullet format so it's easier for me to divide up my thoughts. You'd think that I'd be able to form cohesive, flowing paragraphs, being a university graduate and all.

• I'm currently finding myself in a "need to be amused" mood. Possibly because of the new stressors I've been having to deal with. Audiobooks have been helping me with this. Recently I listened to Mindy Kaling's "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" and it is just what I needed. I felt like an idiot listening to it on the subway because I was just smiling to myself and trying my best to stifle my laugh so I wouldn't seem like I was certifiable.

• Speaking of stressors, I started working at my new part time job. My FIRST ever part time job. Sad, isn't it? Anyway, on the first day I was supposed to be trained. And since I've never had a real job before, I didn't really know what to expect. Let's just say I wanted to cry and curl up into a ball during my break. It didn't go horribly, but I'm the type of person who needs to have my emotions in check. This means that I like to be mentally prepared, pretty much all of the time. So if something goes wrong, I will have anticipated it and be equipped to handle it the best I can. You can tell that I'm totallyyyy easygoing can't you?

• The topic of relationships has come up more frequently recently among some of my friends and it's got me thinking. I don't consider myself to ever been in a real relationship before, seeing as the last time I was in one was in high school. Me and guys are not really a good combination. Anytime I've had some sort of "involvement" with a guy, things ended pretty badly. Lately, I've started wondering, how do I know if I actually like someone? I'm pretty sure that I've liked people before based on the fact that they were paying attention to me and not because I actually liked them for who they were. I know it's important to share similar beliefs and have a solid foundation (I'm pretty sure I got that from the bachelor - of all places right?), but how do you get all that information from dating someone you've just met? I'm guessing this is why people date their friends because they go into the relationship already knowing that information, but I don't really have that many guy friends. I'm not too worried about this stuff, but it is on my mind more now, especially since my other friends are in similar situations.

• I have read so many "Thing You'll Learn In Your Twenties" and "Why Your Twenties Are Your Defining Years" articles on Buzzfeed and ThoughtCatalog. It's kind of crazy how true they are because my life now is pretty different from what it was 6 months ago. Everyone keeps telling me to do stuff now because I'm young and things will be different when I'm older. Be spontaneous now, do the things I want to do. But it's weird, because like I mentioned above, I like being prepared. Which pretty much means I don't really enjoy spontaneity. I mean I do, but prepared spontaneity, if that makes sense. I don't want to feel like I've missed out later on, but I also do like staying home and watching TV and reading cookbooks. I guess the key is to have a mix and balance of both. I recently read an article that said people become more depressed after going on Facebook. And I actually felt this today after going on Instagram!  I was looking at all the pictures of all the awesome things people were doing, and I just thought to myself, what am I doing with my life?? I've been trying to do this thing (and haven't been very successful, surprise surprise) where I make new goals every week. It's been hard for me to accomplish them because once I write them out at the beginning of the week, I don't really give them much thought for the rest of the week. I need to find some way to ensure that I complete these goals/tasks so I feel good about myself and so I can kind of keep track of my growth and how I've changed. That would be cool to look back on. 

WEEKLY TWO

This week was so hectic for me. I think I like the bullet point format, so here goes:

• I had orientation/safety training pretty much every day this week which means my becoming healthy goal has taken a backseat in my list of priorities. I've never been good at being healthy when I'm busy. And now I totally understand why people just want to do nothing when they get home. After a long day of work, who wants go work out? Not me. I'm going to try to make some realistic goals for exercising and plan out what I'm going to eat. 
• I have also been thinking a lot about my future this week. Actually stressing about my future is more like it. I sort of have an idea of what I want to be doing next year, but because it's so uncertain, I've been really worried. I wish I could just enjoy what I'm doing now and not worry excessively. 
• On top of the not being healthy and stressing, I got sick! And instead of being able to sleep all day, I had to go to work. So not fun. 
• On a positive note, I'm headed to the Toronto Underground Market today and I'm excited-but-not-too-excited-because-I-don't-want-to-get-my-hope-up-and-be-disappointed-like-last-time.
• That didn't sound too positive. So on a positive and there aren't any downsides to it note: I'm getting used to waking up early.

That's pretty much it for this week. Hopefully I'll be able to post about my working out/eating progress. 

WEEKLY ONE

Here's an update of what I've been up to this week/my thoughts of the week:

- I finally grew the balls to go apply to part time jobs in person. I dreaded doing this for pretty much the entire summer. Slowly and still trying to get rid of the fear that stops me from doing so many things.

- I landed a volunteer position at Toronto General Hospital, which means I'm finally doing something productive with my time. HOORAY!

- I really need to learn how to buy and invest in good quality clothes. This one is a bit tough since the frugal part of me doesn't see the point in spending so much on clothing.

- My working out/getting my eating under control has been kind of crap this week. I've decided that I need to implement some restrictions/a schedule to get myself into a good routine.

- I am so ready for fall! Bring on the knits, pumpkins, apple picking and ankle boots! Except this week was RIDICULOUSLY hot.

- This is my last official do nothing week with Vicky, sad face. She officially enters the real world starting Monday.

- I made vanilla cupcakes for no reason (well the reason was because I wanted to). They were goooooddd. Store bought chocolate frosting on top of them = heavenly.

Until next time!

WE'RE UP ALL NIGHT TO GET... FIT

It's been about a month since I last worked out really hard and was dedicated to getting into shape. I have struggled with my weight for YEARS. And after all the dieting and attempts to work out, I think I'm at the point where I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I don't think I'd ever disclose my weight on the internet (it's not like I keep track anyway) but I am determined to use this blog to help me document my journey to get healthy. Note I didn't say get skinny. I'm not sure if I would ever post pictures of myself but it would be cool to see how I'm progressing. IF I even progress at all... haha. So not the attitude I should be starting off with. OH and when I say healthy I'm not just referring to my weight, because health is not JUST about weight. I want to feel good about myself and have a positive attitude.

BACK TO SCHOOL

It's back to school season! I feel so nostalgic about school since this is my first year of not going back. It's weird and uncertain and I just wish I can partake in all the going back to school rituals. But since little Natalie is entering grade 1 this year, I can live vicariously through her. I actually got pretty excited when she came home the first day and showed me her very first school agenda! To make things even more exciting, we hit up Wal-Mart that night and it was like a madhouse, filled with back-to-schoolers rushing to get last minute supplies. Since I had to be involved in all the craziness, I appointed myself with the job of making Nat's lunches. Except... it's been pretty difficult coming up with ideas. I have very specific criteria:
1. It can't contain nuts
2. It can't contain eggs (I think no visible eggs, not too sure on this one)
3. It can't contain cheese
4. It can't contain heavily processed items with additives/preservatives - aka lunch meats, breads
5. It has to be healthy
6. And most importantly, Natalie has to like it!

I've been on Pinterest and Foodgawker searching for ideas and I've found lots of lunches that are nicely put together, but there's always something in them that doesn't fit into the criteria. Let's be honest, no kid is going to want to eat a salad for lunch.

No. 1

I think the most defining event of my adult life so far is something that happened about 5 years ago. This is the event that obliterated my self confidence and made me feel completely vulnerable. And after 5 years of trying to rebuild what I lost, I still feel like I have very to little self confidence. At the beginning of this summer I told myself that I am now in this transitioning stage of my life where there would be a lot of uncertainties and that it would be a period of self discovery and growth. The end of summer is nearing and all I can say is that I feel beaten down, discouraged, and a little bit apathetic. And sometimes when I feel down, I always revisit that little incident 5 years ago and think what could have been. Changing the way you think is a lot harder to do when you've spent most of your life thinking the opposite. The one thing I really wanted to change about myself was my optimism (or lack thereof), and making sure that I lived my life to the fullest. I think one of my biggest problems (yes, I have so many) is that I lack drive and ambition. Every time something seems too hard or scary, I recoil and go back to my comfort zone. I'm too scared to move forward, to move into the uncertainty because what if I lose myself again? It's far too big a risk. I realize that I'm caught in this vicious cycle that I've created for myself. I hope that with this blog I'll be able to encourage myself to not be so afraid anymore.